BLAME IT ON LOOKS

Most good looking guys find it difficult to get women to trust them. Sarah Salvadore delves into the psyche

You see this amazingly good looking guy at the club. He immediately catches your attention. But the next moment, you are busy looking the other way. There are these warning signals that go off in your head which says, ‘Girl, this is not the guy’. Do handsome hunks have this effect on you? No need to be alarmed. There is nothing wrong with you. This is how most women react. Good looking guys are definitely eye candy, but nothing more than that. The fairer sex can’t get themselves to trust a dude. Blame it on the looks.

Twenty-five-year old Pallavi G is one such woman who feels uncomfortable in the presence of a good looking man. “It’s not that I get butterflies in my stomach. It’s just that if a man is too good looking, then I somehow feel that he has a roving eye and is just not boyfriend material,” she says. Women in general are wary of hunks. The common perception is that guys like them are more likely to cheat and that they are mostly interested in one night stands. “I have had experiences wherein my boyfriend, who was a stunner, would cheat on me without my knowledge,” says 26-year-old Sejal Seth. “While he was busy enjoying his sexcapades, I was busy feeling lucky to have such a good looking guy,” adds Seth.

But this is not the case most of the times. A good looking guy can be very faithful in his relationship. But the general perception about such men often works against them. “I had a tough time convincing my girlfriend that I was actually in love with her and wanted to have a serious relationship,” says 24-year-old Rustam Yadu. “But she always thought I was not serious. She agreed after I chased her for a year,” he says laughing.

Most women feel, that men with good looks try to make the most of it. “Even if they are not serious they would do anything to get the woman they want. That includes even lying,” says Seth. But not all views are just based on perception. Some have a lot to do with personal experience. “I can never trust a good looking man,” says 21-year-old Abha Suryavanshi. “I guess most of them know that they are good looking and take advantage of that. And no, I’m not guessing. I’m saying it out of personal experience,” she adds. Women feel strongly that a man’s flirtatious nature has a lot to do with his looks. When they know they can’t get someone, they don’t mind at all because they turn to the next! The general attitude of a good looking man is that if he can’t get a woman laid on the first or second date, he drops them like a hot potato. Pallavi G feels that guys who hold out on a few dates are worth investing time in. That’s because they are there to enjoy your company and not to see how good you are in the sack. And with good looking men, it’s just the opposite. They don’t have the time and patience to invest on a single girl. Actor Barkha Bisht feels that men always want to be popular. “Having many women around them is one of the ways of being popular. And if the guy is good looking, then that’s the icing on the cake!” opines Barkha.

Psychologist Pooja Chatterjee is of the view that the main reason why most women can’t get themselves to trust a good looking man is because they are insecure. “As far as looks are concerned, when a man is better looking than his counterpart, she begins to feel that he may be attracted to another woman very soon,” says Chatterjee. Another reason being that as human beings all of us suffer from an inferiority complex. When a woman does not have the capacity to own up to her shortcomings, she channelises the blame on the man’s looks! “It can be commitment phobia which could also drive a woman to tell a man that she can’t trust him because he is good looking!”, Chatterjee opines.

The only way to build trust in your man, is one thought at a time, one action at a time and one experience at a time. So ask yourself if the man you are with has given you a thought, action or experience to break that trust. If he hasn’t then you need to accept the possibility that you are using your past experiences as an excuse to keep yourself closed off and safe. After all, you have good reasons, right?

The choice is entirely yours. Either stay buried in the rubble of past hurt, rejection, and doubt or let it go and give the actual experiences of your life a chance to build a new idea of what love can be. You never know, you may end up having a wonderful relationship with the man most women want to be seen around with. But on the other hand, if he has not given you enough reasons to trust him, then just fuh-get about it darling.

‘I decided to let her go without a fight’

Source : Times of India, dated March 29, 2006

She was the first girl who I bumped into on my first day at work. I remember the look on her face when she realised I was staring at her. I was new to this city and had moved here because my company had transferred me here. I was lonely and desperately looking for a friend. Before the first week passed, I had already befriended her. She was absolutely easy and comfortable to get along with. We spent a lot of time together, at work and after work too. We hit most of the night spots and frequented many city restaurants. Very soon I realised that I was in love with her. After six months I confessed my feeling to her. I was extremely delighted and surprised to know that she too reciprocated my feelings. My life changed completely after that. Everything that I did was keeping our future life together in mind. While we were going around, I knew that she was very close to a friend of her’s named Ankur. She would always discuss her problems with him. Sometimes I would get a bit irritated because she would even discuss the problems of our relationship with him. I felt that we had not privacy. Though the guy did not interfere in our relationship, I somehow began to hate him. It seemed that whatever she did was under the influence of him. Anyway, I put this aspect of our relationship at the back of my mind because I was deeply in love with her. We decided to move in together after a year and a half. It was the happiest day of my life when she moved in with me. We always wanted to have a live-in relationship before tying the knot. But very soon everything seemed to be going wrong. We would have constant fights over petty issues like leaving the wet towel on the bed and not not putting the toothpaste cover on after using it. After sometime, our fights got nastier. She would pick up issues to fight with me. I tried not to give her a chance to lose her temper, but all in vain. Finally one day we decided to sit and talk it out. That’s when I was hit by a boulder. She confessed that she could not live with me anymore. when I asked her why she said, “I’m sorry. But I realised that I’m actually in love with Ankur. I did all this so that we could break up and I can live with him.”

I’m not the kind to take revenge or hang on to a woman who loves someone else. That day, I let her go without saying anything. I guess most women are too messed-up in their head. They should analyse their feelings before getting into a relationship.

WK
NEW ALIPORE

Dont be cruel !

Men fear rejection more than the fairer sex. Here’s what causes such a phobia...

The fear of rejection or experiencing rejection in love can inhibit many individuals from having complete and fulfilling relationships. There are several reasons why men could fear rejection and the idea of being alone. Read on to know more.

The causes: Attachment
One reason why men might fear rejection is when they become very attached to another person. When this happens, people often associate all their joy with that one person. Very deep attachment could cause feelings or fear of loss and rejection.

Desire
The more you want a person to approve of you the more sensitive you become to their likes and dislikes. Often people will do anything to gain approval from the person they desire. When you seek so much approval from someone and they are not sensitive to your feelings, it could trigger a sense of feeling rejected.

The one
Many people live life thinking that there is only one true love and when they lose that person they feel the world has ended. This idea can be unhealthy. If you lose that one person and feel rejected you may be missing out on many opportunities.

Dealing with the problem
To fear rejection is okay and there are ways to deal with the fear. The following are a few ways you can cope with your fear.

Proud to be me
Be the person you really want and tell others your feelings and thoughts more assertively. Even though you may fear that others may not like who you really are and reject you, that is good. Being open separates those people who are “right” for closer relationships from those who are not.

Don’t expect
Pay attention to your own words and actions rather then somebody else’s. Just because you are sensitive to other people’s feelings don’t expect the same from them. Just continue to be yourself and surely enough you will reap the benefits.

People friendly
Men who fear rejection find it very hard to approach someone they like. Don’t approach someone thinking they are probably going to say no anyway. Be positive and your vibe will also radiate good positive energy which is hard to resist.

Romance
Men don’t express themselves romantically because they fear what their partner might think. If your man is someone who feels insecure and is afraid of rejection, you need to take matters into your own hands. Make your man understand that he has nothing to fear and plan a romantic. This will make him feel comfortable and he will learn to trust you.